omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize