I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
