I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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