heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
