the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Couch. On fire.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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