I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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