Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
And then he peed in my hair
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