He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
