I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
