we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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