Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
