First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
