They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
