I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
