I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
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