and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize