Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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