I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Randomize
