I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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