I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
