Sry I called you an 8
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
