I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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