he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
