ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Randomize
