my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
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