you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
