I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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