I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Randomize
