Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
