I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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