Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Randomize
