the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
