Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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