you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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