i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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