im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
a search helicopter?!
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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