So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
