how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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