A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
