Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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