I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
