she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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