I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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