a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
