My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
