So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
this hospital has no fireball
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
