non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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