this beer tastes like vomit already
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
not ubering you a puppy
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
