Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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