It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Randomize
