I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize