btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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