Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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