do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
