Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Even my vagina gasped.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
