shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
