i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize