I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
His nipple licking is glorious
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