Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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