I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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