My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
