I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
