I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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