I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
