Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
