My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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