life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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